A little blast from the past – Little Red Riding Tudung was my first attempt at satirical writing. This little gem was written January 7th, 2009, while I was still studying Mass Communication in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. I understand that some of what I wrote can be construed as racist (against my own race, no less), but it’s all written in the name of good fun. Enjoy the read!
Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived in a void deck in Geylang. Whenever she went out, the little girl wore a red tudung, so everyone in the village called her Little Red Riding Tudung, or Siti, for short.
One morning, Little Red Riding Tudung asked her mother if she could go to visit her Nenek (grandmother) as it had been awhile since they’d seen each other.
“Baik siol! You haven’t seen Nenek since Hari Raya,” her mother said. So they packed a nice basket for Little Red Riding Tudung to take to her grandmother. It had a lot of things that Nenek would love: ketupat, satay, and sambal.
When the basket was ready, Siti put on her red tudung and kissed her mother goodbye.
“Remember, go straight to Nenek’s house,” her mother cautioned. “Don’t gelek along the way and please don’t stop to listen to the mats playing guitars! The void decks are dangerous.”
“Don’t worry, ibu,” said Little Red Riding Tudung, “I know silat.”
“Little Red Riding Tudung Binte Songkok! You promise me you’ll go straight to Nenek’s house! Or I swear to durian I will make you do Maths!”
“Fine, ibu. I promise.”
But when Little Red Riding Tudung noticed some handsome mats in the void deck, she forgot her promise to her mother.
One of the mats stopped playing his guitar to look at Little Red Riding Tudung. He then made a weird kissing sound with his lips. “Eh you jambu sial!” he said.
Little Red Riding Tudung was very flattered by this, and asked the mat for his name.
“My name is very long siol. But I made it shorter. To Robert,” he replied with a void deck accent.
Little Red Riding Tudung was intrigued. She had never met a void deck mat named Robert! “Oh what’s your full name? I really want to know,” she said sweetly.
“Jamal Samsuddin Bin Ali,” the boy replied sheepishly.
“And you shortened it to…?”
“Jamal Samsuddin bin Ali…. shortened to Robert,” Jamal Samsuddin bin Ali-shortened-to-Robert said patiently.
Little Red Riding Tudung finally nodded vigorously after a long while and said, “Oh yes, I see the link. Very creative sial you!”
Little Red Riding Tudung and Robert continued conversing from there, talking about libraries, outside jail and other places they were unfamiliar with.
She was enjoying the company at the void deck so much, that she didn’t notice a dark shadow approaching out of the pillar behind her…
Suddenly, the wolf appeared beside her.
“What are you doing out here, little girl?” the wolf asked in a voice as friendly as he could muster.
“I’m on my way to see my Nenek who lives a few blocks away,” Little Red Riding Tudung replied, turning away from Robert. “I brought her the best ketupat in Singapore, Terengganu and Batam siol!”
“Sounds delicious!” exclaimed the wolf. Then he added in an undertone, “Just like you… Heh heh heh.”
“Oh nothing, nothing.”
Little Red Riding Tudung then realized how late she was and quickly excused herself, rushing down the path to Nenek’s house.
The wolf, in the meantime, took a shortcut.
A little out of breath from running, the wolf arrived at Nenek’s and knocked lightly at the door.
“Oh thank goodness dear! Come in, come in! I was worried sick that something had happened to you in the void deck. I haven’t been this worried since that time you passed Maths!” said Nenek thinking that the knock was Little Red Riding Tudung, better known as Siti for some illogical reason.
The wolf let himself in. Poor Nenek did not have time to say another word, before the wolf gobbled her up!
“Mmm sedap siol!” it enthused.
The wolf then poked through Nenek’s wardrobe to find a baju kurung that he liked. Yes, the wolf was metrosexual and was cool with wearing women’s clothes because it was not insecure about its masculinity. The wolf added a frilly sleeping cap, and for good measure, dabbed some of Nenek’s perfume behind his pointy ears. It was Chanel Nº5, from the nearest pasar malam.
A few minutes later, Red Riding Tudung knocked on the door. The wolf jumped into bed and pulled the covers over his nose. “Who is it?” he called in a high, makcik voice.
“It’s me, Little Red Riding Tudung.” Little Red Riding Tudung added, “I brought your favourite ketupat, Nenek! And I also brought….the sambal!”
“Oh how lovely! Do come in, my dear,” croaked the wolf.
When Little Red Riding Tudung entered the little cottage, she could scarcely recognize her Nenek.
“Nenek! Your voice sounds so odd, sial. Did you eat something that was not halal?” she asked.
“I had some nasi babi,” the wolf confessed untruthfully and sadly, adding an ‘oink’ at the end to prove the point. “At least it was airpork! Flown from Australia.”
“But Nenek! Your ears… Besar siol!,” said Little Red Riding Tudung as she edged closer to the bed.
“So I can listen to dangdut better la,” replied the wolf.
“But Nenek! Your eyes… Besar siol!,” said Little Red Riding Tudung.
“So I can read Berita Harian better la,” replied the wolf.
“But Nenek! Your teeth…Besar siol!,” said Little Red Riding Tudung her voice quivering slightly.
“So I can eat satay better la,” replied the wolf.
“I mean… So I can eat you better la,” roared the wolf and he leapt out of the bed and stood menacingly in front of Little Red Riding Tudung.
“Oh!” said Little Red Riding Tudung. “HAHAHAHA I thought you said so you can eat ME better! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHA!”
The wolf allowed a good minute for this to sink in. After a minute, Little Red Riding Tudung’s realised what the wolf meant and shouted , “ALAMAK! You want to eat me sial! AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH, sial!” After a good two minutes of screaming, she stopped, and said, “Oh! No wonder you leapt out of the bed and stood menacingly in front of me!”
Almost too late, Little Red Riding Tudung realized that the person in the bed was not her Nenek, but a hungry wolf.
She ran across the room and through the door, shouting, “Help! Wolf, sial!” as loudly as she could.
A Chinaman who was counting money nearby heard her cry and ran towards the flat as fast as he could.
Seeing the situation, he turned to the wolf and shouted, “ONE PLUS ONE IS TWO! Just like the number of minutes you have left to live!”
The wolf, who was part-Mat on his father’s second cousin’s side, was disgusted to hear such accurate Mathematics. The Math hurt his head horribly.
The Chinaman pressed his advantage. “THE SQUARE ROOT OF NINE IS THREE! Just like your IQ!” The wolf howled in pain.
“EIGHTEEN MINUS FOURTEEN IS FOUR! JUST LIKE THE NUMBER OF WIVES MY BRO ALI HAS!!” The wolf finally crumpled to the floor, with a terrifying cry of pain, defeated.
The Chinaman made the wolf spit out the poor Nenek who was a bit frazzled by the whole experience, but still in one piece.
“Oh Nenek, I was so scared!” sobbed Little Red Riding Tudung, “I’ll never talk to Mats or gelek in the void deck again.”
“There, there, child. You’ve learned an important lesson. Thank ketupat you shouted loud enough for this kind Chinaman to hear you!”
The Chinaman knocked out the wolf and carried him deep into the void deck where he wouldn’t bother people any longer.
Little Red Riding Tudung and Nenek had a nice lunch of ketupat, satay and sambal and had a long chat, incapable of seeing the incredulity of a wolf appearing out of a pillar under a void deck.