The American primaries are coming to a close, and it looks more and more like a Trump-Clinton showdown. While America prepares for the greatest political war in over a week, we go south of its border and unclothe a growing movement in Mexico. Report by political correspondent Suffian Hakim.
At this point in the American Presidential elections, Donald Trump has been appointed the Republican nominee. After his victory in Indiana on 4th May, his last remaining competitors, John Kasich and Ted Cruz, have bowed out of the GOP race. It seems that America has taken a big stride towards a Trump presidency.
To be fair, the Trump campaign has been insane and compelling, popular and populist in equal measure. Say what you will about his hands, but it is undeniable that Donald Trump has had a fantastic grip on Republican voters. He has appealed to the disenfranchised, while the more neutral Republicans have been transfixed by his rhetoric, as well as his rhetorical hair.
It’s easy to forget that early in his campaign, he called for some very radical reforms. He also called for very radical forms, in that he wanted to form a wall at the US-Mexico border. “I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me,” he declared when announcing his decision to run for the Presidency in June 2015. On how he intends to fund the wall, Mr. Trump said, “I’ll have Mexico pay for the wall.”
Naturally, most Mexicans have condemned Mr. Trump’s words. One group of Mexicans, however, has spoken out in support of a Trump presidency.
“He’s a consistent man,” said Carlos Bromaracista, President of the Mexican Industrial Layers of Foundation, or MILF, an organization that oversees foundation construction and by extension, bricklaying and wall-erecting. Mr. Bromaracista was speaking at a pro-Trump rally in Cancun. “We can always count on him to say the same thing over and over again.”
MILF member Manuel Megustahombres had an endorsement that was equally resounding. “He says his penis is large. I like large penises. It all works out. Also, I work out.”
MILF has been organizing pro-Trump rallies in Mexico, encouraging their fellow Mexicans to make America great again. Their most recent rally was in Cancun’s red light district, with attendance hitting as high as two people.
One supporter carried a sign saying, “We need you in Mexico, rapists and drug dealers!” in response to a lament by Trump about Mexico sending rapists and drug-dealers across its borders. “Texas has enough of those,” said the back of the picket sign.
“I’m just here to escape work,” said the picket sign held by the other attendee.
Mr Bromaracista’s colleague, fellow bricklayer and MILF accountant and digits-counter Juan Manospequeñas gave a more pragmatic explanation to his organization’s support of a Trump presidency. “He wants a wall built. Who builds it? We do!” he said, gesticulating with his hands. “It’s going to be a huge contract. We’re going to have so much money, I can feed my family chimichangas for the entire year.”
“We will lay this wall for Mr. Trump,” added Mr. Bromaracista. “And of course, Mexico will pay for it. We came into some money for taco rights recently.”
This phenomena has spread across Mexico like…like something that doesn’t spread much. Cancun Taco University Professor of Non-Mexican Politics Emilio Estereotipo attributed it to the lack of interest to Trump’s cabello. “We cannot take his cabello seriously. That is why not all of us agree with Trump, or with MILF. MILF does not make the people of Mexico stand and shout, ‘Oh God, fuck yes.'”
When told that we did not know what Trump’s cabello was, Mr. Estereotipo nodded and agreed. “Admittedly, it is impossible to know about something that does not exist.” -SH
* To all you political watchdogs out there, this article is a work of satire. Do I really need to spell these things out for you idiots?